Topic of the Month

To Tell or Not to Tell:  The Dynamics of Tattling vs. Telling


Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the number of complaints that come your way from children?  Tattling and telling are two different things and clarification between the two can help determining when it is appropriate to tell and when it is tattling.

"Tattling" is defined in the dictionary as "idle (unfounded) talk or as revealing others' secrets by gossiping".  Unfortunately, this term is often over-generalized to include any time a child reports to an authority on the behavior of others.


Let's look at possible motivations children might have for telling an adult that something is wrong:

Someone is hurting me or others physically or psychologically and:

1) I need help because I don't know how to handle it.

2) I already tried to handle it and it didn't work.

3)  I might get hurt (or others might get hurt) more if I try to handle it myself.

Someone is doing something they're not supposed to and:

4) I want to know if the rules have changed.

5) I want to get them in trouble.

6) I want to shift the focus off of me.

7) I want attention.

The first three reasons are legitimate reasons for reporting on the behavior of others and should not be included under the term "tattling".  Therefore the first thing to establish with a child is the difference between tattling and a legitimate complaint.  A legitimate complaint is something that affects the physical or psychological safety of self/others with the intent to protect.  Children should ask themselves "am I telling because I want to keep myself, another person, or the environment safe or am I telling bcause I am angry with the person and want to get them in trouble?"

The other part of the equation is teaching children the difference between an emergency and something that can wait.  An emergency is defined as a situation which requires immediate attention as danger is imminent.

Merely admonishing children not to "tattle" is not the answer to the complex issue of reporting on the behavior of others.  We must teach a problem solving process with enables individuals to:  help protect themselves and others, discover the expectations in a changing and often confusing world; and teach them how to handle their feelings and get their needs met in a healthy manner.  Following are some questions that children and adults alike should ask and answer for themselves in regards to a situation:

1) Does this effect the physical or psychological safety of myself/others?

2) Is my intention to protect something/someone?

3) What is my motivation?

4) Am I confused about the rules?

5) Am I in trouble?

6) Do I want attention?

7) Am I angry with someone?

8) Is this an emergency?  If not, when would be a good time to handle the situation?

9) Is this something I can handle myself and if so what can I try to do?

10)  Do I know when it is time to get some help?

The next time a child comes to you to tell you what someone else has done, take it as a teachable moment and ask the child some of these questions before committing to take care of the problem or disregard it.  Encourage the child and assist them in the process so that the next time they will have more skills to address the situation!

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